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Are dad's as important moms?

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:53:10 GMT

The Importance of the Father/Child Bond
By Ron Huxley, LMFT

One of the most magical moments of my life was being at the birth of
my child. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I remember
watching him squirm and cry as he met the world. I remember how he
paused to listen to my voice as I whispered my love for him and
commitment to him. To this day, spending time with my kids continues
to be one of my favorite activities. To not spend time with my
children is unfathomable.

For many fathers, this isn't the case. They sit in hospital waiting
rooms, clapping each other on the back and congratulating one another
on a job well done, while their child enters the world without their
father next to them. The day after the delivery and every day after
are filled with missed opportunities to bond with their child and
influence the directions they will take in life. They rationalize
that they are sacrificing for their family by working long hours and
justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive in
the "cold, cruel world." Food on the table and a roof over head is
nice but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing relationships with
one's father.

How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in the way? And,
what are some practical tools to help fathers strengthen their
children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? To
help me answer these questions, I asked for advice from dad's who
have a close bond with their children. How do I know they have a
close bond? I asked their wives! What's more, these wives are
webmasters of active parenting and family oriented websites.

How do you bond with your child?

In response to this question, all of the fathers answered alike. They
stated that the best way to bond was simply to spend time with a
child. What you do is not as important as doing something.

They divided activities up into four main areas: Physical,
Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. A balance of these four areas
would result in a child having a happier, healthier life. Physical
activities are the most familiar to fathers and include working
around the house together, sharing a hobby, coaching an athletic
team, exercising together, and going places together.
Intellectual activities focus on being involved in a child's
academics, participating in school related activities, encouraging
hard work, and modeling yourself as a their primary teacher of life.
Social activities centered on talking with children, sharing feelings
and thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and manners, and
getting to know your child's friends. Spiritual activities are used
the least by dad's but have the most power to influence a child.
These activities incorporate reading spiritual stories together,
going to church or the synagogue, praying with children, establishing
rules and order, being consistent and available, and exploring the
mysteries of nature.

What is difference between the father/child bond and the mother/child
bond?

It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dad's have a different
approach or style to bonding than mom's. Dad's have a more rough and
tumble approach to physical interaction or may spend time in more
physical activities such as play or working on a project together.
Competition was also seen more in father/child bonding and was
considered healthy if used in small doses and with sensitivity to a
child's temperament and abilities. Sportsmanship, but not necessary
sports activities, was regarded as an essential ingredient in the
development of a child's characters. While the approach may differ,
the need for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One dad
joked that other than a couple of biological differences (e.g.,
giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more important
than the other.

What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond with their child?

All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement of time
were the biggest robbers of relationships with children. No one
discounted a father's responsibility to provide for his family, but
all of them maintained that a healthy balance is needed between work
and family. They felt that society makes it easy to use one's career
as an escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child has
with mom to be more important than with dad. But none of the dad's
questioned felt this barrier to be insurmountable.

Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads must
demonstrate that being involved in the home is important to them
before society will start treating dads as important to the home.
Dads need to take the initiative to change a diaper, clean up after
dinner, give the kids their bath, and do the laundry. The collective
effect of these "small" acts will ripple out into society to
create "bigger" change.

Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a father growing
up?

The entire group affirmed that not having a father would make it more
difficult but not impossible to bond with a child. According to one
dad, bonding is more of an innate need or spiritual drive, than
simply a learned behavior. Therefore, fatherless fathers are not
doomed to repeat their own childhood experiences. Another dad
suggested "getting excited" by the little things that make a child
excited or happy. Getting down on the child's level, regressing to
those early moments in life when you were a child, and sharing simple
pleasures with your child will foster the bonding missed the first
time around.

In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a child is
an important one. Barriers, such as social values and absent fathers
make bonding with children difficult but not impossible. Children
need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide and fathers
can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical,
intellectual, social, and spiritual activities.

About the author: Ron Huxley is father of four children, two of which
are his step children. He is the author of the book: "Love and
Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting" and founder of the
http://parentingtoolbox.com web site. Get more special reports and
articles at http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:27:32 GMT

Anger_Checklist.pdf http://ping.fm/rYUqz via drop.io

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 13:34:32 GMT

Dealing with stress? Here's a freebee ebook for anyone interested: http://ping.fm/oIan4 [pdf] Tell a friend!

creativity tools

Thu, 21 May 2009 13:31:37 GMT

http://community.livejournal.com/creativebuilder/

The OPEN Face

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 14:07:35 GMT

I saw this youtube video at the "Art of Experience" blog and was immediately intrigued. Truthfully I am not sure if I can register the difference in facial expression by this speaker but I like his teaching. It resonates with my reading of the "Social Engagement System" by Stephen Porges, MD and how this develops social attachment and bonding between mother and child. The SES is what triggers our fight, flight or freeze reactions to overwhelming stressors. The speaker in this video is coming from a salesmanship orientation and not a clinical psychology/researcher point of view but he is dead on (no pun intended) about how your facial expression can enhance your personal relationship, be they business or social. Try the OPEN Face for a few days and tell me if you see any difference in your life. It will make me smile :)

Bad Day

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 15:02:28 GMT

scan0023
Originally uploaded by rehuxley.

* This is a work of fiction done for pure sake of creative exploration. The collage is from a new book of altered art called "This is Psychiatry."

"I am having a bad day", she said. It was right in the middle of breakfast and he still wasn't able to focus on much of anything. "Getting up this early is bad" was all he could grunt. "No, I mean I am having a really bad day!" Tears were in her eyes as she said this. The waiter hovered in the corner not sure if he should take their order or wait. Her friend signaled the waiter and asked for two Mimosa's. That should help he thought. She put on her 3D glasses and leaned back in the red cushioned chair. All she could think about was the doctors last few words: "I would give you 6 weeks." It repeated over and over again like an echo in her head. She didn't even notice the waiter leaving the Mimosa and asking if she needed anything else.

Poetry Month

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:58:37 GMT

April is almost here and it is National Poetry Month. I will try to post some original poems based on various poetic forms. To get us in the mood, here is a form called "Abstract/Sound Poetry":

I fell belly flat
made a rat-a-tat-splat
on a ity-bity kitty kat
Good thing it was fat.

Here's a link to more of my poetry: http://rehuxley.livejournal.com/tag/poetry

Try one for yourself...

Break Creative Blocks with our free ecourse: http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html

Talking About "Sexting"

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:58:16 GMT

I have had a several kids from my clinic involved with "sexting." This is where a child send provocative messages or revealing pictures of themselves to another (sometimes random) person. Not only does it put the child in danger but it can result in one or both of the people being arrested. Learn more about this new social problem from CommonsenseMedia.com:

Kids Send Nude or Revealing Images:

22% of teen girls and 20% of teen boys have sent nude or semi-nude photos of themselves
22% of teens admit that technology makes them personally more forward and aggressive
38% say exchanging sexy content makes dating or hooking up with others more likely
29% believe those exchanging sexy content are “expected” to date or hook up
Revealing photos can be resent to a vast audience
Sending a sexual image to a minor is illegal

There have been some high profile cases of sexting -- including High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens, who sent a nude picture to her co-star/boyfriend, Zac Efron, that ended up all over the Internet and made headlines. And in July 2008, Cincinnati teen Jesse Logan committed suicide after a nude photo she’d sent to a boyfriend was circulated widely around her high school, resulting in harassment from her classmates.

Why It Matters

In a technology world where anything can be copied, sent, posted, and seen by huge audiences, there's no such thing as being able to control images. Even if a photo was taken and sent as a token of love, the intention doesn’t matter -- the technology makes it possible for everyone to see your child’s most intimate self. And in the hands of teenagers, when revealing photos are made public the subject almost always becomes the object of ridicule and name calling. Furthermore, sending sexual images to minors is against the law, and some states have begun prosecuting kids for child pornography or felony obscenity.

Advice for Parents

Don't wait for an incident to happen to your child or your child’s friend before you talk to your kids about the consequences of sexting. Sure, talking about sex or dating with teens can be really uncomfortable, but better to have the talk before the fact.

Remind them that once an image is sent, it can never be retrieved -- and they will lose control of it. Ask teens how they would feel if their teachers, parents, or the entire school saw the picture, because it happens all the time.

Talk about pressures to send revealing photos. Let teens know that you understand that they can be pushed or dared into sending something. Tell them that no matter how big the social pressure is, the potential social humiliation will be hundreds of times worse.

The buck stops with them. If someone sends them a photo, have them delete it immediately. Better to be part of the solution than the problem. Besides, if they do send it on, they're distributing pornography -- and that’s against the law.

If you can’t deal with this, have your kids go to ThatsNotCool.com (and you should go yourself). It’s a fabulous site that gives kids the language and support to take texting and cell phone power back into their own hands.

Rocky Road to Dublin

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:05:07 GMT

My daughter has recently taken up the bag pipes and just learned this song performed here by the Dubliners! Now if she would just move closer to home so I could hear it live...hint, hint!

The Fourth "F" of Trauma

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:50:54 GMT

When I work with traumatized people, I always keep in mind that they have one of three reactions: Fight, Flight and Freeze. These are primal brain mechanisms that manage threats to the self. Each type of reaction has its intervention but at the core of these interventions is the fourth "F": Fusion.

Trauma disrupts relationships and self/other organization. At extreme levels it can cause dissociative disorders (what we used to call Multiple Personality Disorders) splitting off internal parts of the self in an effort to survive and function. At milder levels it can cause us to build defenses or social masks that allow us to get through our days despite feelings of pain or loss. Either we are not acting out of our true self. We also have difficulties with others manifesting by poor intimacy, commitment fears, unmanageable anger, feelings of anxiety and depression.

What we want to achieve is fusion. A fusion of self and personality and a fusion of relationships (self with other). This is easy said than done but it is possible. It is not hopeless as we once thought. The real challenge is trying to help others who are in a state of fight, flight or freeze without ourselves going into a similar state. Staying "fused" ourselves in the face of this is hard!

I will share more thoughts on this over the next few weeks. Share your comments/reactions by clicking the comment link...

What do we do with Chaos?

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 13:50:03 GMT

Matthew Fox on Chaos and Creativity:

"What do we do with chaos? Creativity has an answer. We are told by those who have studied the processes of nature that creativity happens at the border between chaos and order. Chaos is a prelude to creativity. We need to learn, as every artist needs to learn, to live with chaos and indeed to dance with it as we listen to it and attempt some ordering. Artists wrestle with chaos, take it apart, deconstruct and reconstruct from it. Accept the challenge to convert chaos into some kind of order, respecting the timing of it all, not pushing beyond what is possible—combining holy patience with holy impatience--that is the role of the artist. It is each of our roles as we launch the twenty-first century because we are all called to be artists in our own way. We were all artists as children. We need to study the chaos around us in order to turn it into something beautiful. Something sustainable. Something that remains."

It's the Holy Patience thing I am having the most trouble with...constantly get frustrated with things I know will be or is chaotic.

Do you have a creative block? Bust it now with our free creativity building ecourse at http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html

When Children Lie

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 13:29:34 GMT

When Children Lie

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

A difficult problem for parents is when a child lies. Lying may mean your child has an active imagination, wants to please you, or is seeking attention. Parents can cope with a child who lies by following these simple parenting tools:

1. Provide opportunities for your child to express his
imagination without lying.

2. Point out the differences between fact and fantasy.

3. Practice telling the truth yourself so that your child
does not imitate you lying.

4. Don't overreact to lying. Point out the need to tell the
truth and allow your child to do so without feelings ashamed.

5. Don't push for confessions. These usually lead to bigger lies and more punishment.

6. Look for ways your child can get what they want without lying and reward him for not lying.

Share your thoughts on this post by clicking the comment link...

Parenting After Divorce - Join me for my Radio Interview

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:52:46 GMT

I want to invite everyone to tune in to my Radio Interview on the Parents Tool Talk Radio Show with Jody Pawel. It will be entitled: "Parenting After Divorce". Here are the details:

This Friday, March 13, 2009 - 12pm Eastern Time

The topic will be single, divorced and remarried parents.

My bio: Ron Huxley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Family
Wellness Instructor, national speaker and columnist, web site producer,
community mental health director, family advocate, and father of four! He is
the founder of parentingtoolbox.com and angertoolbox.com. Ron has appeared
as a guest expert for the media in newspapers, magazines, television and radio.
He is also an experienced public speaker, having presented at a host of conferences,
school programs, corporations and professional associations.

Some of the topics we will cover include:

>What research says about divorced parents and how their children fare
>3 simple tools parents (married or not) can use when they disagree
>Some of the most common problems divorced parents face and practical
tips for preventing or resolving each one. (Some examples: how grief and
loss affects children of divorce, how parents can avoid putting children in
the middle of their conflicts or what to do if their ex-spouse does this, etc.)
>Live Q&A with listeners.

Please submit your questions to questions@ParentsToolTalk.com!
We will broadcast LIVE this week on Friday, March 13, 2009
at 12 p.m. Eastern Time.

Call In To Listen Or Ask Questions: (347) 205-9654.
You can call in live on any cellular or land-based line, or through a
VoIP service such as Skype or Windows Live Messenger. Long distance
or other charges from your telephone company or service provider may apply.

Listen live on the Internet: go to www.parentstooltalk.com and click
on this month's show title. Look for the BlogTalkRadio media player above
Jody's picture; the show will begin playing either automatically after 12 p.m.
Eastern Time, or you can start the show by pressing Play. Once you are there,
you can use the chat feature to submit a question during the live show.

Hope you all can join us!

What defines you?

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 17:06:13 GMT

I have been reading the works or Richard Rohr for some time now and find them profound and timely. Here's today's daily reading:

"In solitude, at last we’re able to let the Lord define us the way we are always supposed to be defined: by relationship, the I-thou relationship, in relation to a Presence that demands nothing of us but presence.

If we’ve never lived in the realm of pure presence without our world of achieving, we don’t know how to breathe there at first. And that’s precisely why the Lord has to breathe through us.

The Lord has to be our life. The Lord has to be our identity. At last, we allow ourselves to be defined by relationship instead of by the good—even the holy—things we’ve done."

Source: http://www.cacradicalgrace.org/

I love the last line of the need to be defined in "relationship instead of the good/holy-things..." Time to get the religion OUT and the Spirit IN. Lord define me.

Meditating on your neurons

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:50:05 GMT

I do a lot of reading on brain research. I don't claim to understand it all but it helps to inform my work with families with behavioral and emotional struggles. It also helps me manage my own brain/life! One of the things that keeps popping out at me (it is important to recognize the "pop ups" in your life when they aren't the internet ads on your computer screen) is the saying "neurons that fire together, wire together." I won't go into a lengthy description of this saying other than to explain that when you have an "experience" your brain fires various neurons in response to that experience. If these experiences are repetitive then your brain will literally rewire itself to accommodate that experience and changes its neuron structure.

Let that soak in for a minute...

The therapeutic value of that saying is huge! You can train your brain by engaging in repetitious experiences. Engage in positive experiences and you reap positive brain structures. Engage in negative experiences and you get negative structures. It is as basic as that. Your action plan to change your thoughts should start to become obvious as you meditate on that idea.

Here's a revelation I had today: I need to stop trying to redo old problems and reworking old issues. I need new experiences to form new brain structures.

Revelation #2: The more I form new brain structures, the more "capacity" I have to experience positive experiences. We will reflect on "capacity" at another time as that is a fascinating idea too....but for today, form your own revelations as you meditate on the saying: "neurons that fire together, wire together."

Share your thoughts by clicking the comment link. I would love to hear your feedback.

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 04:58:08 GMT

I just completed a four day training for level 2 of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. DDP was created by Daniel Hughes, Ph.D. and it was a fantastic experience. Here's an excerpt from his website about his model: "I have chosen to call this model of treatment Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy because it is based on the premise that the development of children and youth is dependent upon and highly influenced by the nature of the parent-child relationship. Such a relationship, especially with regard to the child's attachment security and emotional development, requires ongoing, dyadic (reciprocal) experiences between parent and child. The parent is attuned to the child's subjective experience, makes sense of those experiences, and communicates them back to the child. This is done with playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy. These interactions are contingent, i.e., when the parent initiates an interaction, the child's response determines the parent's subsequent action based on the the feedback of the child's subjective experience of the first action. In that way, the parent constantly fine-tunes his/her interactions to best fit the needs of the child. The primary context in which such dyadic interchanges occur is one of real and felt safety. Without such actual and perceived safety, the child's neurological, emotional, cognitive,a nd behavioral functioning is compromised."

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Fri, 27 Feb 2009 04:43:28 GMT

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"I'm Blind, Please Help!"

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:10:27 GMT

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help.' There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'

The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.'

What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.'

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness. In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.'

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…
And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

Source: http://www.oscarmurphy.com

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Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:56:42 GMT

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The Cinquain

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:09:14 GMT

One of my favorite poetic forms is the Cinquian. Second would be the haiku. I love simplicity of the forms and how they force me to "subtract" rather than "add" to my impression of life around me. This helps me to experience the essence of the world and God. As the rain pours down outside my window, I write:

Rain pours
just and unjust
I cannot afford hate
I cannot pay the price for love
God pours

Try one...The format is 2,4,6,8,2 syllables per line. The last line is often a close repeat of the original first line theme but you can do whatever works for you.

Thankfulness Improves Your Brain

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:51:58 GMT

I was listening to a psychologist talk about how thankfulness can improve your brain! I won't go into the details, mainly because I can't remember them all :) Let's just agree to be thankful because it is a good idea and feels so much better than unthankfulness, alright?

Let's also make this easy...

List three things you are thankful for:

1. My health.
2. My spiritual community.
3. My family.

OK, let's make it a little harder. Take the three general things you listed and make them more specific (oh yeah, only state them in positive terms, as in what you like and not what you don't like ("I am glad I don't have a headache"):

1. I am thankful about how caffeine wakes me up and gives me such simple comfort.
2. I am thankful for my friend Larry's willingness to trust me.
3. I am thankful for the soup my wife made for dinner last night (chicken noodle!).

Try it yourself by clicking the comment link below!

Time Mgt: The 7th Step on How to Have a More Abundant Life

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:39:44 GMT

Welcome to the 7th step in our series on how to have a more abundant life in 2009 (or how NOT to set a New Years Resolution). In this final step I want to focus on our time management. I know that is not a very exciting concept which is why it is so important. As you will read, the most successful and happy people are in control over their daily life versus life control them. The most powerful tools available to us are often the simpliest. To help you digest this boring concept on abundant living, I have put it into a very simple formula called Pareto's Principle or the 80/20 Rule. Before we do that, lets review the first 6 steps:

1. Visualize your future.
2. Gather an Audience of Appreciation.
3. Learn the ABC's of Setting Goals.
4. Fashion Creative Notions.
5. Develop assertive communication.
6. Focus on your purpose.

And now, for step 7: Managing Your Time

The 80/20 Rule is one of the most helpful of all concepts of time and life management. It is also called the Pareto Principle after its founder, the Italian economist Vilfredo Pareto, who first wrote about it in 1895. Pareto noticed that people in his society seemed to divide naturally into what he called the "vital few," the top 20% in terms of money and influence, and the "trivial many," the bottom 80%.

The Great Discovery

He later discovered that virtually all economic activity was subject to this Pareto Principle as well.

For example, this rule says that 20% of your activities will account for 80% of your results. 20% of your customers will account for 80% of your sales. 20% of your products or services will account for 80% of your profits. 20% of your tasks will account for 80% of the value of what you do, and so on.

This means that if you have a list of ten items to do, two of those items will turn out to be worth as much or more than the other eight items put together.

The Greatest Payoff

Here is an interesting discovery. Each of these tasks may take the same amount of time to accomplish. But one or two of those tasks will contribute five or ten times the value as any of the others.

Often, one item on a list of ten things that you have to do can be worth more than all the other nine items put together. This task is invariably the one that you should do first.

The Most Valuable Tasks

The most valuable tasks you can do each day are often the hardest and most complex. But the payoff and rewards for completing these tasks efficiently can be tremendous. For this reason, you must adamantly refuse to work on tasks in the bottom 80% while you still have tasks in the top 20% left to be done.

Before you begin work, always ask yourself, "Is this task in the top 20% of my activities or in the bottom 80%?"

Getting Started

The hardest part of any important task is getting started on it in the first place. Once you actually begin work on a valuable task, you seem to be naturally motivated to continue. There is a part of your mind that loves to be busy working on significant tasks that can really make a difference. Your job is to feed this part of your mind continually.

Managing Your Life

Time management is really life management, personal management. It is really taking control over the sequence of events. Time management is control over what you do next. And you are always free to choose the task that you will do next. Your ability to choose between the important and the unimportant is the key determinant of your success in life and work.

Effective, productive people discipline themselves to start on the most important task that is before them. They force themselves to eat that frog, whatever it is. As a result, they accomplish vastly more than the average person and are much happier as a result. This should be your way of working as well.

Action Exercises
Make a list of all the key goals, activities, projects and responsibilities in your life today. Which of them are, or could be, in the top 10% or 20% of tasks that represent, or could represent, 80% or 90% of your results?

Resolve today that you are going to spend more and more of your time working in those few areas that can really make a difference in your life and career, and less and less time on lower value activities.

Want to read all 7 Steps? Click the New Years Resolution tag below...

Doodle for Google!

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:32:10 GMT

Hey mom and dad, do you have a little artist in the family? Your son or daughter can submit their version of the Google logo and have it featured online the Google Search Page. Pretty cool. I believe you have to have your school register to get it entered however so start talking to your teacher or principle about this fun opportunity. Check out the Google page for more info: http://www.google.com/doodle4google/index.html

Focus on Your Purpose: Step 6 on How to Have a More Abundant Life (or how NOT to set a resolution)!

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:49:24 GMT

What is your purpose in life?

Everything that happens to us happens on purpose to develop our purpose! Do you believe that? If you focus on your purpose in life you will be able to live a more abundant life because you are doing who and what you were made to do. How could you live more satisfied than that?

Some of us entertain this idea but really believe it is just a fancy notion because troubles hit us and we too easily give up. Instead of locking yourself up in your cage of fears and crying over past heartaches, embarrassment and failures, treat them as your teachers about who you were destined to be. They will become your tools in learning how to improve yourself, find your real purpose in life and become more successful.

I remember watching Patch Adams - it's one of my favorite movies. Its one great film that will help you improve yourself. Hunter "patch" Adams is a medical student who failed to make it through the board exams. After months of suffering in melancholy, depression and suicidal attempts - he decided to seek for medical attention and voluntarily admitted himself in a psychiatric ward. His months of stay in the hospital led him to meeting different kinds of people. Sick people in that matter. He met a catatonic, a mentally retarded, a schizophrenic and so on. Patch found ways of treating his own ailment and finally realized he has to get back on track. He woke up one morning realizing that after all the failure and pains he has gone through, he still want to become the a doctor. He carries with himself a positive attitude that brought him self improvement and success. He didn't only improved himself, but also the life of the people around him and the quality of life. Did he succeed? Needless to say, he became the best damn doctor his country has ever known.

So, when does discovering your true purpose in life become synonymous with success? Where do we start?

Take these tips, friends...

*Stop thinking and feeling as if you're a failure, because you're not. How can others accept you if YOU can't accept YOU?

*When you see hunks and models on TV, think more on self improvement, not self pitying. Self acceptance is not just about having nice slender legs, or great abs. Concentrate on inner beauty.

*When people feel so down and low about themselves, help them move up. Don't go down with them. They'll pull you down further and both of you will end up feeling inferior.

*The world is a large room for lessons, not mistakes. Don't feel stupid and doomed forever just because you failed on a science quiz. There's always a next time. Make rooms for self improvement.

*Take things one at a time. You don't expect black sheep's to be goody-two-shoes in just a snap of a finger. Self improvement is a one day at a time process.

*Self improvement results to inner stability, personality development and dig this .... SUCCESS. It comes from self confidence, self appreciation and self esteem.

* Set meaningful and achievable goals. Self improvement doesn't turn you to be the exact replica of Cameron Diaz or Ralph Fiennes. It hopes and aims to result to an improved and better YOU.

*Little things to us mean BIG things to other people. Sometimes, we don't realize that the little things that we do like a pat on the back, saying "hi" or "hello", greeting someone "good day" or telling Mr. Smith something like "hey, I love your tie!" are simple things that mean so much to other people. When we're being appreciative about beautiful things around us and other people, we also become beautiful to them.

*When you're willing to accept change and go through the process of self-improvement, it doesn't mean that everyone else is. The world is a place where people of different values and attitude hang out. Sometimes, even if you think you and your best friend always like to do the same thing together at the same time, she would most likely decline an invitation for self improvement. We should always remember that there's no such thing as ‘over night success'.

It's always a wonderful feeling to hold on to the things that you already have now, realizing that those are just one of the things you once wished for. A very nice quote says that "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." We are all here to learn our lessons. Our parents, school teachers, friends, colleagues, officemates, neighbors... they are our teachers. When we open our doors for self improvement, we increase our chances to head to the road of success.

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Assertive Communication: Step 5 of 7 on How to Live More Abundantly (or how NOT to set a resolution)

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:39:43 GMT

Assertive Communication: Being True to Yourself

We can't have an abundant life without recognizing that our life is full of people! The better we learn how to manage our relationships, the better we will learn how to live fuller, happier existences. That means learning how to communicate!

Assertive behavior is self-enhancing. When you express your feelings honestly, you usually achieve your goal. You generally feel good about yourself when you choose to behave in an assertive manner, even if your goals are not achieved.

You must tailor your communication to circumstances of each new situation. Behavior that applies to some persons and circumstances does not apply to all persons or situations. Each situation is different. There are times when a passive response is most appropriate. Sometimes, an aggressive response is needed. Most of the time, assertiveness is the key.

Always be true to your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person's thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you. Think in terms of I-messages. An I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn't judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person what he should think or feel.

Successful use of I-messages requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

If you develop a full understanding of assertive communication, you can choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses for a variety of situations. All effective assertive communication, however, is characterized by a basic four-part message:

1. Non-judgmental description of the behavior to be changed.
2. Disclosure of the assertor's feelings.
3. Clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person's behavior on the assertor.
4. Description of the behavior that would be more satisfactory.

You'll send more assertive messages when you use this formula: "When you (state the other person's behavior non-judgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because (explain the impact on your life). I prefer (describe what you want)." This way, the four parts of the assertion message are stated as clearly as possible and are contained in one sentence.

This style of communication requires conscientious practice. Others don't know what behavior you want modified. You must clearly communicate what the other person does that frustrates you. This can be difficult. People seldom describe behavior accurately enough for listeners to understand how their actions frustrate the speaker. These guidelines will help you develop effective behavior description skills:

1. Describe the behavior in specific rather than general terms.
2. Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw inferences about the other person's motive, attitudes, character, etc.
3. Be objective rather than judgmental.
4. Be as brief as possible.
5. Communicate the real issues to the right person.

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