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Hold that memory for 5 slow breaths and try to FEEL it in as much detail as possible. You can "tune" it up a bit if you want to by using your imagination to add more color or more detail or making sounds louder and brighter.
Practice this several times a day. When you feel down/blue/depressed/anxious/worried/fear
* Disclaimer - this is only a simple guided imagry or "resource installation" and does not constitute actual therapy. If you have more severe symptoms, please see a medical doctor or professional therapist.
An effective method for keeping your cool with an angry person is to concede his right to feel the way he does, even if you disagree. Using an "acknowledgment strategy" allows you to remain calm and objective without having to defend yourself.
Then using reflective listening skills show that you sympathize and
understand your attacker's feelings. This action tends to defuse the
conflict. A sympathetic response keeps you from fighting with the person and allows you to zero in on the sources of the conflict. Here are some examples of statements that acknowledge another person's feelings:
"After hearing about how you felt you were overlooked for the promotion, I can see why you are upset."
"Now that I know you didn't get me emails, it makes perfect sense that you would be upset that I didn't let you know."
"After understanding that you were hurt in a prior relationship, I can see why you became angry about my actions."
"From what you've just explained to me about the situation, I think you have a perfect right to be upset."
When you remain composed under pressure, it also encourages the other person to calm down and talk more rationally. By carefully listening you may discover that the angry person has:
* Magnified an incident out of proportion
* Misunderstood information
* Interpreted your statement or action as a personal attack
* Picked a fight to cover up a larger issue
* Made you aware of a genuine complaint that you need to address
From this regulating position, you can enter into a conversation about how to resolve the problem...
Ron Huxley is a Family Therapist and founder of the AngerToolbox.
Find more tips and tools to manage your anger and the anger of those you work and love at http://angertoolbox.com/
suggestions would you give a mom or dad new to this frightening
situation?
Tell us your story in the Parenting Toolbox Online Support Groups at
http://parentingtoolbox.com/cgi-bin/ubb
and click on the Family Anger Support Group link...
them today to build healthier children...
Read more with this no charge ecourse from the Parenting Toolbox at
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You can share this with other parents online!
Ron Huxley, Founder and Father of Four
by Anthony Kane, MD
Anger can ruin your life. It can cost you your job and your
marriage. It can destroy your relationships with you family,
your friends, and your co-workers.
The problem is that every day things happen to us that
bring out our anger. So it's critical that we learn to keep
our temper under control. We need to do this for ourselves,
and we need to do this so that our children can learn from
our example.
Here are seven simple straight forward techniques you can
use that will keep anger under control.
1. Get away from the location:
Walk away. When you are in a upsetting or frustrating
situation and you feel anger is coming on, just walk away.
Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, do what ever you can
do to leave the situation. Disengage. The great advantage
of walking away is that even if you become angry, nothing
will happen. You are by yourself, so no one will know that
you are upset. You won't be able to say anything or do
anything that you are going to regret later. Walking away
is a great first step in controlling your anger and
limiting the damage that it can do.
2. Diffuse your anger:
One of the best ways to diffuse your anger is to get
physical. That does not mean hit your kids, which is one of
the destructive ways some parents diffuse their anger. What
I mean is to engage in some form of vigorous physical
activity. Go for a walk, a run, lift weights, or do
something else physical that will diffuse your emotions and
get your mind off the problem. This will help you cool down.
It will also give you some of the best work outs that you
will ever have.
3. Get regular exercise:
This is a corollary to what we just mentioned. Strenuous
exercise is a great technique to manage your anger and
increase you tolerance threshold.
Getting regular vigorous exercise has a lot of advantages.
You will feel younger and healthier. You will look better.
You will also be able to dissipate the effects of the daily
nagging frustrations that tend to add up over the course of
the day. These minor irritations tend to build up and eat
away at you until even a small incident can get you angry.
By just setting up a regular exercise routine, you will
find that things will not bother you quite as much and you
will be much less prone to anger.
4. Keep calm:
You can control anger if you find a way to stay calm and
relaxed throughout the day. There are many relaxation
techniques you can use to stay calm and have positive 'down
time'. Some of the more popular activities are yoga, deep
breathing exercises, meditation, and so on.
5. Laugh:
Try to look at what is happening as if it were happening to
someone else. Many times if you look at the difficult
situations you are experiencing as an outsider would, what
is happening will seem quite ludicrous. You can infuse
humor in difficult situations and laugh at them rather than
get offended or angry.
6. Judge favorably:
Most people who do things that anger you are not doing them
maliciously. Usually if the person knew he was doing
something to bother you, he wouldn't do it at all. The
problem is that none of us weigh out how our actions effect
others. What seems to you as a person who is inconsiderate
and uncaring is probably someone who is just unaware that
what he is doing is bothering you. Most people do not mean
to offend you. Therefore, there is no good reason to become
offended.
You should view most actions that bother or offend you as
an oversight rather than a direct attack. If you do that,
you will almost always be correct.
7. Be silent:
Words said in anger can cause a great deal of harm. What
you say may be something you truly feel or may be something
that you are just saying to hurt your attacker. Either way,
it will usually be something that is not very palatable. Be
careful of the words that come out of your mouth when you
are angry. When you calm down you will probably have to eat
them.
Bonus Technique: Take a cosmic perspective:
The world is full of serious problems. Global warming,
nuclear waste, genocide, world hunger, etc. These are
things that can have ramifications for centuries. Compare
these to whatever happened that is making you angry. In ten
years from now, is what you are facing right now going to
make any difference to anybody? If not, then just let it
go. There are a lot of bigger problems to worry about.
You should try to use some or all of these anger management
techniques and tips and teach them to your children. They
will help you and your family members control your anger
and prevent you from damaging your relationships.
Anthony Kane, MD may be contacted at
http://addadhdadvances.com/ akane@addadhdadvances.com.
Get hundreds of more Anger Tools and a no charge
consultation on how to manage anger and your life today at
http://angertoolbox.com/angersmart.h
His Father gave him a bag of nails & told him that every time he lost
his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The 1st day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the
number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those
nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it & the father suggested that the boy now
pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed & the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand & led him to the fence.
He said, "You've done well my son, but look at the holes in the fence.
The fence will never be the same".
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like these holes.
You can put a knife in a man & draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still
there.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
--> This was posted by a member of the AngerToolbox Discussion List. You can join too at
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/an
or sign up here:
By Ron Huxley, LMFT
Every parent wants their child to be assertive. Don't you? The real question is HOW to go about it. This article is the second installment on teaching your child social skills. Last week we looked at the "Six Essential Social Skills" for children. If you missed it, go to http://www.ParentingToolbox.com/soc
Assertiveness is a learned skill. Parents can teach their children how to be more assertive by telling them to "Go Fly a K.I.T.E." No, this isn't being rude. It is being assertive! Each letter of the acronym K.I.T.E. explains a different skill to teach children how to be more assertive.
K = Know what you want.
>Before you can be assertive, you have to be clear on what you want to gain. Help your child state specifically what he or she wants from another person or situation. Does he want a bully to treat him respectfully? Does she want to make friends more easily? This can be the most difficult and important step toward being assertive. Make this statement concrete and positive. Don't state: "I don't want you to pick on me anymore." Phrase it positively: "I would like you to play nice with me when we are together." You can even go so far as to state how you want another child to "play nice." The more specific, concrete, and positive, the better your child's chances of getting what he or she wants.
I = Use I messages Vs. You messages
"I" messages start with the word "I." "You" messages start with the word "You." Sounds simple, right? Wrong. In practice, this can be a very difficult way to communicate. That is because children naturally blame others for their thoughts and feelings. They must be taught that they own them and they are in control
of them. "I" messages are less blaming than "You" messages. After you know what you want, you have to ask for what you want. "I" message will increase the chances of getting what you want.
T = Tell others what you want firmly and repeatedly.
Children, and adults, assume that being assertive guarantees that they will get what they want. This simply isn't true. You have no control over what others do or say. Using these steps will increase your chances, and usually have good results, but never guarantee you will get what you want. Therefore, you may have to be very firm and repeatedly express your wants and needs. Most bullies continue to be bullies because they know your child will back down. If they are firm and repeat their wants and needs, they increase their chances even more.
E = Expect change/Evaluate effectiveness.
Most efforts at being assertive fail because we don't really believe they will work in the first place. Expectation is a powerful force in human relationships, either at home or on the playground. Additionally, assertiveness should be considered an "experiment" in getting what you want. If one approach doesn't work, try another. Evaluate how effective your child's assertive behaviors are with others. Talk with him or her about what could be done differently and try that next time. This teaches problem solving skills, which are an important element in social skill development. So, the next time your child comes to you with a problem with a friend or bully, tell him to "go fly a K.I.T.E."
Get more ways to manager anger at http://angertoolbox.com/join.html
As a special gift I have complied some practical tips on how to Bust Stress and Beat Anger. It is called:
"The Stress Buster Ebook"
and you can get it for no charge at
http://www.angertoolbox.com/TheStressBu
WAIT > I do have one request that you give it away to at least one
other person online. We all experience the negative effects of stress
in our lives. It is time to bust that stress and take back control of
frustration and anger.
Get it now > http://www.angertoolbox.com/TheStressBu
Share it with others...
Live stress free!
Ron Huxley
http://www.angertoolbox.com
http://www.parentingtoolbox.com
How many times have your told (ok, yelled) your children to stop
fighting. Perhaps you even used the word: "Please" first. This
usually ends up in you fighting with your children about their
fighting, leaving you frustrated and angry. Perhaps you said a few
things in the process you later regreted! As a parent, I have been
there and done that too. Your children may have felt rejected and
shamed.
You may have thought that if your children would only stop fighting,
you wouldn't have to yell or fight with them. While that could be
true, the better angle is to take the responsibility you have as a
parent and start making a conscience choice to find another solution
to fighting. A family fight is something that you should be looking
to totally eliminate from your life and the life of your children.
It starts with the parent.
When I say that you must rid your life of fighting altogether, then
you need to know exactly the kind of fighting that I am referring
to. Fighting can take many forms. It means to participate in verbal
exchanges which involve intense anger, rage, and sometimes physical
abuse to your children.
Fighting with your kids also means to have verbal assaults on each
other by rehashing the same old drama over and over again until your
children are so frustrated that they become emotionally immobilized.
Is this the kind of "healthy fighting" that you and your kids are
going through? Do you still agree that is is "Ok" to have such
negativity in the house?
If you genuinely want to eliminate fighting in your home with the
children, then you absolutely must come to a decision yourself. And
it does not involve waiting for your children to change. You must
officially make fighting a thing of the past. It means that you must
take a vow and refuse to raise children in an atmosphere of violence,
both physical and mental. It means choosing love over anger, each
and every time.
Now you can find literally thousands of new tools to help you as a
parent when you join the ParentingToolbox.com at
http://parentingtoolbox.com
Here are five ways that anger can be a good thing:
1. Anger protects. When your child is in danger your mind will automatically kick into a “fight or flight” reaction that can result in anger. You don't have time to stop and ponder a course of action when your child is in the middle of the street! Anger short cuts our thinking brain to allow us to act quickly. This is natures way of protecting your family from harm.
2. Anger signals. The purpose of anger is to destroy problems in our lives, not our relationships. When something needs to dramatically change, anger not only lets you know but it gives you the power to do something about it. For example, if your child's doctor wont listen to your concerns, getting angry can stir things up and get a problem diagnosed and solved.
3. Anger rules. Your child left his toys all over the house again! Tired of yelling at your child to get his cooperation. That only reinforces the annoying behavior. Your anger may be telling you that expectations are too high, the rule is not clear enough, or that you are not following through on consequences consistently. Use the energy of your anger to communicate the rule (again) and then follow it up with consistent, age appropriate discipline.
4. Anger talks. What we say to ourselves affects our emotional state. If we tell ourselves we are bad parents then we may act like bad parents. If we tell ourselves we are doing the best we can under stressful circumstances we will react with less hostility and frustration. Practice listening to that little "anger voice" and challenge some of the misperceptions you hold of yourself and your child. Ask some honest friends to help you be objective in your inner inventory. If want you are saying to yourself is true, use this information to make changes in your parent/child relationship.
5. Anger teaches. Our anger management styles are learned from our own parents. If Mom was a yeller, we may follow her example, even if we vowed never to yell at your kids. Fortunately, if you learned one anger expression style you can learn another. Separate the idea that feeling anger is bad. That is natural and unavoidable but what you do with those hot emotions is completely under your control -- with some practice. Allow yourself permission to find new ways to cope with daily parenting hassles by taking a class or reading a book on anger management.
Need to manage your anger better? Tired of yelling at your kids? There's help: http://angertoolbox.com/joinclub.ht
Everyone has had trouble trying to interprete someone's intentions. Sometimes it's hard to know if someone is disrespecting you and being rude
or if that is just the way they communicate. Most relationships run into trouble when one person misunderstands the other. Use these simple tips to help you navigate the confusing waters of human communication.
> Get more tips on managing anger and relationships now at http://angertoolbox.com/angersmart.h
The purpose of good listening is to gain maximum understanding. Many people are tuned in only to the words of a speaker or to the body language or the tone of voice and do not listen to the whole message. In understanding a message, each of these is important.
In order to hear the entire message, keep in mind the following points:
1. Think about the specific words the speaker is saying.
2. Maintain an eye contact with the speaker. You cannot read body language without looking at the speaker. Eye contact tells him that you are listening.
3. Engage your mind to interpret his body language. You may intuitively understand it because much of what is sent nonverbally is subconsciously understood. If you feel your emotions are coloring your understanding, do an awareness check.
4. Watch facial expressions and how the speaker uses his hands and arms. These will give you the most information on his nonverbal communication.
5. Listen to his tone of voice. Is it consistent with his words?
6. Interpret the complete message when he has finished. Respond to what you think he is saying and then listen carefully to his response to you.
Feel free to pass this on to a friend online...
An effective method for keeping your cool with an angry person is to concede his right to feel the way he does, even if you disagree. Using an "acknowledgment strategy" allows you to remain calm and objective without having to defend yourself.
Then using reflective listening skills show that you sympathize and understand your attacker's feelings. This action tends to defuse the conflict. A sympathetic response keeps you from fighting with the person and allows you to zero in on the sources of the conflict. Here are some examples of statements that acknowledge another person's feelings:
"After telling you that you got left behind, I can see why you are feeling upset."
"Now that I know you are interested in me, it makes perfect sense that you would be upset by me ignoring you."
"From what you've described, I think you have a perfect right to be upset."
When you remain composed under pressure, it also encourages the other person to calm down and talk more rationally. By carefully listening you may discover that the angry person has:
• Magnified an incident out of proportion
• Misunderstood information
• Interpreted your statement or action as a personal attack
• Picked a fight to cover up a larger issue
• Made you aware of a genuine complaint that you need to address
