Assertive Communication: Being True to Yourself

We can't have an abundant life without recognizing that our life is full of people! The better we learn how to manage our relationships, the better we will learn how to live fuller, happier existences. That means learning how to communicate!

Assertive behavior is self-enhancing. When you express your feelings honestly, you usually achieve your goal. You generally feel good about yourself when you choose to behave in an assertive manner, even if your goals are not achieved.

You must tailor your communication to circumstances of each new situation. Behavior that applies to some persons and circumstances does not apply to all persons or situations. Each situation is different. There are times when a passive response is most appropriate. Sometimes, an aggressive response is needed. Most of the time, assertiveness is the key.

Always be true to your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person's thoughts, feelings or beliefs, and you are likely to retain the trust and goodwill of those around you. Think in terms of I-messages. An I-message expresses your feelings and experiences without making the other person responsible for them. An I-message is honest and genuine. It doesn't judge, blame or interrupt. It never tells the other person what he should think or feel.

Successful use of I-messages requires that you know exactly what you want and need, take personal responsibility for meeting your preferences, express yourself to the person whose cooperation you need, and be willing to listen if the other person becomes defensive.

If you develop a full understanding of assertive communication, you can choose appropriate and self-fulfilling responses for a variety of situations. All effective assertive communication, however, is characterized by a basic four-part message:

1. Non-judgmental description of the behavior to be changed.
2. Disclosure of the assertor's feelings.
3. Clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person's behavior on the assertor.
4. Description of the behavior that would be more satisfactory.

You'll send more assertive messages when you use this formula: "When you (state the other person's behavior non-judgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because (explain the impact on your life). I prefer (describe what you want)." This way, the four parts of the assertion message are stated as clearly as possible and are contained in one sentence.

This style of communication requires conscientious practice. Others don't know what behavior you want modified. You must clearly communicate what the other person does that frustrates you. This can be difficult. People seldom describe behavior accurately enough for listeners to understand how their actions frustrate the speaker. These guidelines will help you develop effective behavior description skills:

1. Describe the behavior in specific rather than general terms.
2. Limit yourself to behavioral descriptions. Do not draw inferences about the other person's motive, attitudes, character, etc.
3. Be objective rather than judgmental.
4. Be as brief as possible.
5. Communicate the real issues to the right person.

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Go Fly a K.I.T.E. - Assertiveness Training for Children

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

Every parent wants their child to be assertive. Don't you? The real question is HOW to go about it. This article is the second installment on teaching your child social skills. Last week we looked at the "Six Essential Social Skills" for children. If you missed it, go to http://www.ParentingToolbox.com/social.html

Assertiveness is a learned skill. Parents can teach their children how to be more assertive by telling them to "Go Fly a K.I.T.E." No, this isn't being rude. It is being assertive! Each letter of the acronym K.I.T.E. explains a different skill to teach children how to be more assertive.

K = Know what you want.

>Before you can be assertive, you have to be clear on what you want to gain. Help your child state specifically what he or she wants from another person or situation. Does he want a bully to treat him respectfully? Does she want to make friends more easily? This can be the most difficult and important step toward being assertive. Make this statement concrete and positive. Don't state: "I don't want you to pick on me anymore." Phrase it positively: "I would like you to play nice with me when we are together." You can even go so far as to state how you want another child to "play nice." The more specific, concrete, and positive, the better your child's chances of getting what he or she wants.

I = Use I messages Vs. You messages

"I" messages start with the word "I." "You" messages start with the word "You." Sounds simple, right? Wrong. In practice, this can be a very difficult way to communicate. That is because children naturally blame others for their thoughts and feelings. They must be taught that they own them and they are in control
of them. "I" messages are less blaming than "You" messages. After you know what you want, you have to ask for what you want. "I" message will increase the chances of getting what you want.

T = Tell others what you want firmly and repeatedly.

Children, and adults, assume that being assertive guarantees that they will get what they want. This simply isn't true. You have no control over what others do or say. Using these steps will increase your chances, and usually have good results, but never guarantee you will get what you want. Therefore, you may have to be very firm and repeatedly express your wants and needs. Most bullies continue to be bullies because they know your child will back down. If they are firm and repeat their wants and needs, they increase their chances even more.

E = Expect change/Evaluate effectiveness.

Most efforts at being assertive fail because we don't really believe they will work in the first place. Expectation is a powerful force in human relationships, either at home or on the playground. Additionally, assertiveness should be considered an "experiment" in getting what you want. If one approach doesn't work, try another. Evaluate how effective your child's assertive behaviors are with others. Talk with him or her about what could be done differently and try that next time. This teaches problem solving skills, which are an important element in social skill development. So, the next time your child comes to you with a problem with a friend or bully, tell him to "go fly a K.I.T.E."

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