The Importance of the Father/Child Bond
By Ron Huxley, LMFT

One of the most magical moments of my life was being at the birth of
my child. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I remember
watching him squirm and cry as he met the world. I remember how he
paused to listen to my voice as I whispered my love for him and
commitment to him. To this day, spending time with my kids continues
to be one of my favorite activities. To not spend time with my
children is unfathomable.

For many fathers, this isn't the case. They sit in hospital waiting
rooms, clapping each other on the back and congratulating one another
on a job well done, while their child enters the world without their
father next to them. The day after the delivery and every day after
are filled with missed opportunities to bond with their child and
influence the directions they will take in life. They rationalize
that they are sacrificing for their family by working long hours and
justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive in
the "cold, cruel world." Food on the table and a roof over head is
nice but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing relationships with
one's father.

How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in the way? And,
what are some practical tools to help fathers strengthen their
children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? To
help me answer these questions, I asked for advice from dad's who
have a close bond with their children. How do I know they have a
close bond? I asked their wives! What's more, these wives are
webmasters of active parenting and family oriented websites.

How do you bond with your child?

In response to this question, all of the fathers answered alike. They
stated that the best way to bond was simply to spend time with a
child. What you do is not as important as doing something.

They divided activities up into four main areas: Physical,
Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. A balance of these four areas
would result in a child having a happier, healthier life. Physical
activities are the most familiar to fathers and include working
around the house together, sharing a hobby, coaching an athletic
team, exercising together, and going places together.
Intellectual activities focus on being involved in a child's
academics, participating in school related activities, encouraging
hard work, and modeling yourself as a their primary teacher of life.
Social activities centered on talking with children, sharing feelings
and thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and manners, and
getting to know your child's friends. Spiritual activities are used
the least by dad's but have the most power to influence a child.
These activities incorporate reading spiritual stories together,
going to church or the synagogue, praying with children, establishing
rules and order, being consistent and available, and exploring the
mysteries of nature.

What is difference between the father/child bond and the mother/child
bond?

It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dad's have a different
approach or style to bonding than mom's. Dad's have a more rough and
tumble approach to physical interaction or may spend time in more
physical activities such as play or working on a project together.
Competition was also seen more in father/child bonding and was
considered healthy if used in small doses and with sensitivity to a
child's temperament and abilities. Sportsmanship, but not necessary
sports activities, was regarded as an essential ingredient in the
development of a child's characters. While the approach may differ,
the need for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One dad
joked that other than a couple of biological differences (e.g.,
giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more important
than the other.

What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond with their child?

All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement of time
were the biggest robbers of relationships with children. No one
discounted a father's responsibility to provide for his family, but
all of them maintained that a healthy balance is needed between work
and family. They felt that society makes it easy to use one's career
as an escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child has
with mom to be more important than with dad. But none of the dad's
questioned felt this barrier to be insurmountable.

Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads must
demonstrate that being involved in the home is important to them
before society will start treating dads as important to the home.
Dads need to take the initiative to change a diaper, clean up after
dinner, give the kids their bath, and do the laundry. The collective
effect of these "small" acts will ripple out into society to
create "bigger" change.

Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a father growing
up?

The entire group affirmed that not having a father would make it more
difficult but not impossible to bond with a child. According to one
dad, bonding is more of an innate need or spiritual drive, than
simply a learned behavior. Therefore, fatherless fathers are not
doomed to repeat their own childhood experiences. Another dad
suggested "getting excited" by the little things that make a child
excited or happy. Getting down on the child's level, regressing to
those early moments in life when you were a child, and sharing simple
pleasures with your child will foster the bonding missed the first
time around.

In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a child is
an important one. Barriers, such as social values and absent fathers
make bonding with children difficult but not impossible. Children
need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide and fathers
can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical,
intellectual, social, and spiritual activities.

About the author: Ron Huxley is father of four children, two of which
are his step children. He is the author of the book: "Love and
Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting" and founder of the
http://parentingtoolbox.com web site. Get more special reports and
articles at http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.html

This article was written by me and originally published in Pregnancy Magazine, reprinted here by permission:

I remember the first time I laid eyes on my baby. He was seconds old, face and body tensed, skin red, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I immediately started talking to him and he, amazingly enough, turned his head in the direction of my voice. I thought my heart would stop beating.

Of course, I had to announce his keen intelligence and superior coordination to everyone in the room. I actually felt sorry for his mother who was stuck in the bed and unable to see our child from my vantage point. At that moment all the fears, worries, and anxieties I had about the future of my family, were gone. Of course, they came back in the days to follow, but at that moment; they couldn’t stand up to the joy and love I felt for my son.

The magic of firsts
There is nothing like the birth of your first child. Everything your child does is unique and amazing. The best moments in a parent’s life involves firsts! If you don’t believe me, answer these simple questions: What was the second day of your child’s life like? What was the second word your child ever spoke? What was your child’s second favorite food? What did you do on your child’s second birthday? How was his or her second day of school? Even if you could answer these questions, you get my point. First time experiences have a greater "stickiness" in the mind, staying with us as vividly as my memory of my son’s first day of life.

But, firsts are also anxiety producing. The first time your child hurt himself was more traumatic for you than for the child, right? You handled the second, third, and fourth times much more calmly, didn’t you? The first time your child told you "no" was more difficult to accept than the second or third time. The first time he went to a friend’s house to stay the night was much more frightening than later times.

Value of experience
Firsts are difficult because we are inexperienced. We are afraid to make mistakes. We worry that our simplest action will damage our children for life. After our firstborn, we are more certain of our coping skills, less shocked by our child’s behaviors, and recognize our children as more durable than we first believed. I remember going through birth education classes for my second child. On the night the dads learned how to diaper a baby (when cloth diapers were still used) I whipped that diaper on so fast and true, it made the other dads’ heads spin. The only difference between the other dads and me was experience.

If you are a first time dad, there is no way to go around the anxiety and mistakes but I can offer you some advice to make the journey a little easier. And, if this is your second, third, or tenth child, consider the following tips a refresher course.

1. Have faith in yourself
It may be hard to believe, but you know more than you think you do. At the very least, you have the ability to make a decision and stick to it. Everywhere you turn, someone will be offering you advice. Read two or three books and you will discover conflicting points of view. Search the Internet and find hundreds of different sites. What’s a parent to do? Pick one you like and go for it. Read the other books and review the various sites, even listen to Aunt Martha’s advice, but you and the mother are the only ones who can decide what is right for you and your child.

For most new dads, anxiety and lack of experience makes them feel inadequate, but you should still believe in yourself. This will require faith, which means believing in the unknown and unseen. Amazingly enough, it does work out just fine.

2. Enjoy the journey
I know you already love your baby. But it is important to enjoy her as well. Take pleasure, both before and after your baby is born, to bond with her and your mate. If you already have children, include them in the process, but be jealous with your time alone with the baby. Countless research articles state the psychological benefits of a good attachment with a "good enough" parent. Not perfect, mind you. Just "good enough."

And, although the research doesn’t say it, there are psychological benefits for you as well. No matter how frightening the journey, relax and enjoy the trip, wherever it takes you. The more you fight it, the harder it will be for you and the new baby. Enjoying the journey will decrease your anxiety and make you a more confident, capable parent.

3. Stay balanced
Having a baby will change your life forever. It will alter your relationship with your mate. It will revolutionize your daily routines and refocus your priorities. Most of all, it will require hard work and commitment. But it doesn’t eliminate you individual needs and desires. You can still go out for a romantic evening. You can still play a round of golf. You can still pursue your career. How much time you devote to these things will change, but, with a balanced attitude and schedule, you can still do them. In fact, you should keep doing them. It is good for your own mental and physical well-being.

This balance of self and family will transfer to your child, forming the basis of his or her attitudes about a balanced lifestyle. Where is that balance for you? That is something that you will have to keep adjusting until you get it right. Talk to your mate and set realistic goals for you and your family.

If, after reading these tips, you are still anxious about your future, just try them for a month. You might be surprised by the results. There’s always a first time for everything, right?

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Do you have a child that rages? What do you do to cope? What
suggestions would you give a mom or dad new to this frightening
situation?

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Here are two poems, one free verse and the other a TANKA (57577 syllable lines) on it:

Hummingbird
By Ron Huxley

Yesterday,
a Hummingbird fought
to escape to reality.
I caught it in my
fingertips.

Gently it watched me.
Childhood eyes
waiting for the future.

I showed it to my love.
She cried a blessing.
Together we sent
it buzzing.

Today we know joy.

__________

Tanka: Hummingbird

Hummingbird freedom
Beat against the glass window
Rest in my fingers
Stare a child's waiting stare
Leave joy in the open air