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By Ron Huxley, LMFT
One of the most magical moments of my life was being at the birth of
my child. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I remember
watching him squirm and cry as he met the world. I remember how he
paused to listen to my voice as I whispered my love for him and
commitment to him. To this day, spending time with my kids continues
to be one of my favorite activities. To not spend time with my
children is unfathomable.
For many fathers, this isn't the case. They sit in hospital waiting
rooms, clapping each other on the back and congratulating one another
on a job well done, while their child enters the world without their
father next to them. The day after the delivery and every day after
are filled with missed opportunities to bond with their child and
influence the directions they will take in life. They rationalize
that they are sacrificing for their family by working long hours and
justify their emotional distance as modeling how to survive in
the "cold, cruel world." Food on the table and a roof over head is
nice but nothing makes up for loving, nurturing relationships with
one's father.
How do fathers build this bond? What barriers stand in the way? And,
what are some practical tools to help fathers strengthen their
children intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? To
help me answer these questions, I asked for advice from dad's who
have a close bond with their children. How do I know they have a
close bond? I asked their wives! What's more, these wives are
webmasters of active parenting and family oriented websites.
How do you bond with your child?
In response to this question, all of the fathers answered alike. They
stated that the best way to bond was simply to spend time with a
child. What you do is not as important as doing something.
They divided activities up into four main areas: Physical,
Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. A balance of these four areas
would result in a child having a happier, healthier life. Physical
activities are the most familiar to fathers and include working
around the house together, sharing a hobby, coaching an athletic
team, exercising together, and going places together.
Intellectual activities focus on being involved in a child's
academics, participating in school related activities, encouraging
hard work, and modeling yourself as a their primary teacher of life.
Social activities centered on talking with children, sharing feelings
and thoughts, demonstrating appropriate affection and manners, and
getting to know your child's friends. Spiritual activities are used
the least by dad's but have the most power to influence a child.
These activities incorporate reading spiritual stories together,
going to church or the synagogue, praying with children, establishing
rules and order, being consistent and available, and exploring the
mysteries of nature.
What is difference between the father/child bond and the mother/child
bond?
It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dad's have a different
approach or style to bonding than mom's. Dad's have a more rough and
tumble approach to physical interaction or may spend time in more
physical activities such as play or working on a project together.
Competition was also seen more in father/child bonding and was
considered healthy if used in small doses and with sensitivity to a
child's temperament and abilities. Sportsmanship, but not necessary
sports activities, was regarded as an essential ingredient in the
development of a child's characters. While the approach may differ,
the need for bonding with mom and dad is equally significant. One dad
joked that other than a couple of biological differences (e.g.,
giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more important
than the other.
What barriers prevent fathers from achieving a bond with their child?
All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement of time
were the biggest robbers of relationships with children. No one
discounted a father's responsibility to provide for his family, but
all of them maintained that a healthy balance is needed between work
and family. They felt that society makes it easy to use one's career
as an escape. Social influences tend to value the bond a child has
with mom to be more important than with dad. But none of the dad's
questioned felt this barrier to be insurmountable.
Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads must
demonstrate that being involved in the home is important to them
before society will start treating dads as important to the home.
Dads need to take the initiative to change a diaper, clean up after
dinner, give the kids their bath, and do the laundry. The collective
effect of these "small" acts will ripple out into society to
create "bigger" change.
Can a father bond with a child if they did not have a father growing
up?
The entire group affirmed that not having a father would make it more
difficult but not impossible to bond with a child. According to one
dad, bonding is more of an innate need or spiritual drive, than
simply a learned behavior. Therefore, fatherless fathers are not
doomed to repeat their own childhood experiences. Another dad
suggested "getting excited" by the little things that make a child
excited or happy. Getting down on the child's level, regressing to
those early moments in life when you were a child, and sharing simple
pleasures with your child will foster the bonding missed the first
time around.
In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a child is
an important one. Barriers, such as social values and absent fathers
make bonding with children difficult but not impossible. Children
need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide and fathers
can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical,
intellectual, social, and spiritual activities.
About the author: Ron Huxley is father of four children, two of which
are his step children. He is the author of the book: "Love and
Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting" and founder of the
http://parentingtoolbox.com web site. Get more special reports and
articles at http://parentingtoolbox.com/join.ht
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By Ron Huxley, LMFT
A difficult problem for parents is when a child lies. Lying may mean your child has an active imagination, wants to please you, or is seeking attention. Parents can cope with a child who lies by following these simple parenting tools:
1. Provide opportunities for your child to express his
imagination without lying.
2. Point out the differences between fact and fantasy.
3. Practice telling the truth yourself so that your child
does not imitate you lying.
4. Don't overreact to lying. Point out the need to tell the
truth and allow your child to do so without feelings ashamed.
5. Don't push for confessions. These usually lead to bigger lies and more punishment.
6. Look for ways your child can get what they want without lying and reward him for not lying.
Share your thoughts on this post by clicking the comment link...
1. The Economy
2. Helping Parents
The Economy
As everyone is all too aware, the economy is hurting families on many levels. Everyone is feeling the pinch and this includes me and my membership web site. Families don't have the discretionary money to pay for a membership even when I reduced the price. Logic would suggest I just shut the site down. I have chosen to be illogical. For why, see #2 below...
Helping Parents
The ParentingToolbox.com has been providing parents with online information and support for 10 years! That is a long time online. It started as a labor of love for me and the volunteers that help me run it. The only reason we went to online memberships was to provide enough income to pay the overhead. Ok, maybe my wife and I went out to dinner a couple of times but I never quite my day job :)
The downside of making the site membership-based was that it limited the number of parents I could help. My focus was and always has been to help as many parents as possible. Consequently, we have giving help and hope to thousands of families, even giving memberships away free to low-income families or agencies that worked with them. Now that the economy has taken its toll, we are going back to our original model of a completely open website. No more memberships!
How You Can Help Too!
Of course, this decision will mean that I have no income to support the site. That helps no one! You can help by giving a donation to the ParentingToolbox.com to help us keep the site open and free. I have cut expenses everywhere possible. My volunteers are still willing to be active and help answer questions in the online support groups. But, it is going to be tight. I hope that ad revenue will help if we get enough traffic and we will be offering up valued ebooks and products I hope people will purchase. Ultimately, I am having faith that we can continue on into the next decade of service to parents online.
Take a look at the ParentingToolbox here > http://parentingtoolbox.com
Contact me to make a donation or propose a joint venture > ptmembers@aol.com
Blessings!
Ron Huxley
Toolbox
* What challenges have you had to face as a parent of an ADHD child?
* They say that ADHD is highly genetic. Do you, as a parent, also
have ADHD?
* What tools have you found to help you deal with this in yourself
and in your child?
Answer these questions with the Parenting Toolbox's new support
service at
http://parentingtoolbox.com/cgi-bin/ubb
or
http://tinyurl.com/25wrcq
Truthfully, this is not a NEW service at all... The
ParentingToolbox.com has been offering online support groups for 9
years now. In fact, this is just one of many online support groups
ready for your parenting questions and comments. Find new ways to
deal with the struggles of parenting with us! We have over 3000 power
tools for parents to help them build the family they dream about.
We are opening our support group to all parents of ADHD children as a
validation of our dedication to helping parents find the tools they
need to do the job of parenting. Just click the links provided above
to get help now or check out the full membership benefits at
http://parentingtoolbox.com
When you get into the support groups, feel free to reply to one
another and offer warm, friendly advice...it is a support group after
all :)
Ron Huxley, LMFT
Founder of
http://parentingtoolbox.com
http://angertoolbox.com
I remember the first time I laid eyes on my baby. He was seconds old, face and body tensed, skin red, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I immediately started talking to him and he, amazingly enough, turned his head in the direction of my voice. I thought my heart would stop beating.
Of course, I had to announce his keen intelligence and superior coordination to everyone in the room. I actually felt sorry for his mother who was stuck in the bed and unable to see our child from my vantage point. At that moment all the fears, worries, and anxieties I had about the future of my family, were gone. Of course, they came back in the days to follow, but at that moment; they couldn’t stand up to the joy and love I felt for my son.
The magic of firsts
There is nothing like the birth of your first child. Everything your child does is unique and amazing. The best moments in a parent’s life involves firsts! If you don’t believe me, answer these simple questions: What was the second day of your child’s life like? What was the second word your child ever spoke? What was your child’s second favorite food? What did you do on your child’s second birthday? How was his or her second day of school? Even if you could answer these questions, you get my point. First time experiences have a greater "stickiness" in the mind, staying with us as vividly as my memory of my son’s first day of life.
But, firsts are also anxiety producing. The first time your child hurt himself was more traumatic for you than for the child, right? You handled the second, third, and fourth times much more calmly, didn’t you? The first time your child told you "no" was more difficult to accept than the second or third time. The first time he went to a friend’s house to stay the night was much more frightening than later times.
Value of experience
Firsts are difficult because we are inexperienced. We are afraid to make mistakes. We worry that our simplest action will damage our children for life. After our firstborn, we are more certain of our coping skills, less shocked by our child’s behaviors, and recognize our children as more durable than we first believed. I remember going through birth education classes for my second child. On the night the dads learned how to diaper a baby (when cloth diapers were still used) I whipped that diaper on so fast and true, it made the other dads’ heads spin. The only difference between the other dads and me was experience.
If you are a first time dad, there is no way to go around the anxiety and mistakes but I can offer you some advice to make the journey a little easier. And, if this is your second, third, or tenth child, consider the following tips a refresher course.
1. Have faith in yourself
It may be hard to believe, but you know more than you think you do. At the very least, you have the ability to make a decision and stick to it. Everywhere you turn, someone will be offering you advice. Read two or three books and you will discover conflicting points of view. Search the Internet and find hundreds of different sites. What’s a parent to do? Pick one you like and go for it. Read the other books and review the various sites, even listen to Aunt Martha’s advice, but you and the mother are the only ones who can decide what is right for you and your child.
For most new dads, anxiety and lack of experience makes them feel inadequate, but you should still believe in yourself. This will require faith, which means believing in the unknown and unseen. Amazingly enough, it does work out just fine.
2. Enjoy the journey
I know you already love your baby. But it is important to enjoy her as well. Take pleasure, both before and after your baby is born, to bond with her and your mate. If you already have children, include them in the process, but be jealous with your time alone with the baby. Countless research articles state the psychological benefits of a good attachment with a "good enough" parent. Not perfect, mind you. Just "good enough."
And, although the research doesn’t say it, there are psychological benefits for you as well. No matter how frightening the journey, relax and enjoy the trip, wherever it takes you. The more you fight it, the harder it will be for you and the new baby. Enjoying the journey will decrease your anxiety and make you a more confident, capable parent.
3. Stay balanced
Having a baby will change your life forever. It will alter your relationship with your mate. It will revolutionize your daily routines and refocus your priorities. Most of all, it will require hard work and commitment. But it doesn’t eliminate you individual needs and desires. You can still go out for a romantic evening. You can still play a round of golf. You can still pursue your career. How much time you devote to these things will change, but, with a balanced attitude and schedule, you can still do them. In fact, you should keep doing them. It is good for your own mental and physical well-being.
This balance of self and family will transfer to your child, forming the basis of his or her attitudes about a balanced lifestyle. Where is that balance for you? That is something that you will have to keep adjusting until you get it right. Talk to your mate and set realistic goals for you and your family.
If, after reading these tips, you are still anxious about your future, just try them for a month. You might be surprised by the results. There’s always a first time for everything, right?
Share your thoughts...click the comment link.
them today to build healthier children...
Read more with this no charge ecourse from the Parenting Toolbox at
http://www.parentingtoolbox.com/healthy
You can share this with other parents online!
Ron Huxley, Founder and Father of Four
This is actually a very common problem. I would go so far as to say that every family suffers from this issue or I should say every child suffers from this parenting issue.
In my 20 years of experience I have found that the most common way this is expressed is in how parents discipline. More specifically, what they discipline for and when they will discipline a child.
In extreme cases this can lead to seperation and divorce. On the most mild end of things, the child can use the differences to manipulate and control the home. None of this things are necessary!
Here's a couple quick ideas to get parents on the same page:
1. Take a parenting class. There are classes in every city of America and maybe the world. Point is that a parenting class can be found and they are all good so why don't parents take one? Is it pride? Stubbornness? I know it can't be money because many classes don't cost anything. If there isn't a class in your area, I know there are thousands of parenting books available to read. I wrote one myself!
Once parents take a class or read a book together, they can start parenting using the same techniques and philosophy. Most parents parent based on their experiences as a child, good or bad. Learn a new, third way of doing things.
2. Two heads are better than one. Never make a decision about without two parents agreeing. If you can't agree, then decide not to decide. I am not talking about the mundane things like what to make for dinner...or am I? Maybe this too needs to go through the parenting committee. Put your heads together and decide that too.
Most kids split the parents knowing who they can work and asking that one a question. Tell the child you will decide after you talk to the other parent. Let them tantrum and fume. There really isn't that many crisis situations, at least on the life and death spectrum, when it comes to making a parenting decision.
3. Learn from one another and tell each other what you like about their parenting. This could be the hardest part for many parents but a little sugar goes a long way. Besides the parenting relationship angle, this idea is useful in using similar parenting styles. No one parent knows it all or is perfect. Every parent has strengths and weaknesses. Learn and acknowledge the good points in the other and you will find, over time, that you are parenting in a very similar fashion.
4. Use over 3000 parenting tools and tips of the Parenting Toolbox. The membership is lifetime and you never renew your fees. It is like parenting insurance with no annual dues. And if you join today you get a no charge membership to the Anger Toolbox as well. That is a two for one special offer. Start building a stronger, happier home today at http://parentingtoolbox.com
Thanks for listening,
Ron Huxley
Marriage and Family Therapist
Parenting Educator
Father of Four!
You've probably heard about "Oprah's Book Club." This is
where she recommends books she likes.
Well, there was a book released today that's NOT on Oprah's book
club list...but that's only because she doesn't know about it...yet!
But, even more important than Oprah knowing about this book is that
YOU know about it...and own it.
It's called, "Wear Clean Underwear: A Fast, Fun, Friendly -
and Essential - Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents" and it's
written by California lawyer and mom, Alexis Martin Neely.
http://wearcleanunderwearbook.com/huxle
For less than $16, you will not only get the straight information on
everything you need to know to legally plan for the care of your kids
and your money, but you will also get over $3000 worth of bonus gifts
that Alexis has put together for you. But, to get the bonuses, you've
got to buy the book TODAY!
And, don't think this book is going to be depressing, hard to read or
full of legal jargon. It's just the opposite!
As you can tell from the title, Alexis has made this topic entertaining,
interesting and, yes, even a little bit fun.
By using an easy to read story-based format, Alexis walks you through
three stories that guide you to all the right answers for your family.
Her book is a fast read and when you are done, you will know the exact
next steps on what you need to do to make life as easy as possible for the
people you love most if you were in an accident.
By the end, you will know exactly how easy it can be to legally plan for
your family and she even gives you tons of free resources to get you
started or fix what you've already got in place.
http://wearcleanunderwearbook.com/huxle
This is a book you must read even if you think you've gotten everything
taken care of.
Alexis discovered that of the 30% of parents who have taken action to
legally plan for their kids and their money, most have made at least
1 of 6 common mistakes.
So, whether you've done legal planning or not, get a head start on Oprah
and order
"Wear Clean Underwear: A Fast, Fun, Friendly - and Essential - Guide to Legal
Planning for Busy Parents" right NOW by going to:
http://wearcleanunderwearbook.com/huxle
You and your family will thank me for years to come!
All my very best,
Ron Huxley, LMFT
http://RonHuxley.com
P.S. Don't forget to get the thousands of dollars in free
bonuses, you must order your book TODAY. Don't miss out do it NOW!
Go to http://wearcleanunderwearbook.com/huxle
PPS: Advanced reviews of this book are incredible. Here is a
tiny sample of what other people are saying:
"A book that is sure to stick, Wear Clean Underwear is part
story, part education, and pure brilliance!"
-Michael Gerber, father, bestselling author of The E-Myth
Revisited and Awakening the Entrepreneur Within
"I wish my family had read this book! Even though we
employed the ‘top experts’ in estate planning, my mother was
mired in the painful four-year probate of my father’s estate
after his death. This could have been avoided had we known
what Alexis shares in this book. EVERYONE needs to read it!"
-Christine Comaford-Lynch, CEO and founder of Mighty
Ventures and New York Times bestselling author of Rules for
Renegades: How to Make More Money, Rock Your Career, and
Revel in Your Individuality
"The strategies in Alexis’ book, Wear Clean Underwear, are
essential reading for every parent. The wisdom in these
pages has ensured the well-being of my entire family,
especially my greatest source of joy…my daughter! Thank you
for writing this much needed book."
-Christine Kloser, author of The Freedom Formula, mom, and
founder of the Conscious Business Circle
Order your copy of "Wear Clean Underwear" now.
http://wearcleanunderwearbook.com/huxle
View this article online at http://www.parentingtoolbox.com/organiz
By Ramona Creel of OnlineOrganizing.com
Does the idea of setting up your wares in the front yard and spending a weekend selling unwanted items make you break out in cold sweats? Do you picture yourself spending every spare minute of your life for months gathering up merchandise, arguing with shoppers about pricing, and running around like a chicken with your head cut off for the length of the sale? GARAGE SALES don't have to be so painful -- not if you plan ahead from the very beginning. Here are some quick tips for making your sale both fun and profitable.
PREPARING YOUR SALE ITEMS
The best way to get ready for a yard sale is to SORT your merchandise as you clean out (rather than creating a pile of discards and having to go through it a second time later on). Divide items into meaningful categories -- such as kitchen, books, kids, clothes -- and have a large box or trash bag set aside for each category. Be sure to CLEAN and repair items as you go. You will also want to PRICE items and label them with a description (when applicable).
YARD SALE REGULATIONS
Many people don't realize that you can't just put a pile of junk in your yard and hold a yard sale - many areas have specific RULES and regulations about the size, location, and advertising of sales. Call your city or county government for a listing of local yard sale regulations. In particular, be sure to find out about "SIGNAGE" rules governing the size, shape, and placement of billboards or signs. And also find out if you need to obtain a PERMIT to hold a yard sale in your area.
NEWSPAPER ADVERTISING
Most dedicated "yard-salers" check the newspaper listings to plan their route of attack -- so you definitely need to be included in the lineup. Call your local paper for prices and DEADLINES -- and don't forget to check with "free" and community papers. When placing your ad, include the date, time, address, and directions (if you live in a hard-to-find area).
You may also want to make note of some particular items of INTEREST -- expensive or unique or high-demand merchandise you will be offering. But don't list every type of item you plan to sell -- everyone knows that yard sales have books and household items, and advertising is usually priced by the letter or the word. Plan to run your ad at least 1 day before and the day of your sale -- much more than that really isn't necessary.
MULTI-FAMILY SALES
The bigger the offerings, the more customers you will attract. Ask your friends, neighbors, and family to join in -- suggest that you all pool your items together into one large sale. However, have each participant mark his or her items DIFFERENTLY -- with a different colored pen or different type of sticker or their initials by the price -- so that you can distinguish whose item is whose. Keep track of each person's sales in a NOTEBOOK, with a running list of items sold (or just the price) under each name.
YARD SALE POLICIES
The easiest way to avoid confusion and conflict during your sale is to decide how you plan to run it - ahead of time. Determine the LENGTH of your sale -- the number of days and hours each day. Also decide if you will accept personal checks or put items "ON HOLD" for people who say they are coming back later.
And finally, make up your mind in advance if you will allow EARLY BIRDS or let people in your home (to use the bathroom or phone). Most importantly, once you have put a policy in place, stick with it!
GATHERING YOUR SUPPLIES
What will you need to run your sale? You will need to collect up three types of supplies, The first are "DISPLAY" items -- tables, racks, table cloths, hangers, etc. The second are "CHECKOUT" items -- cash box, extra bags, tissue / newspaper, etc. And the third are "TRY-BEFORE-YOU-BUY" items -- extension cords, batteries, bulbs. Make sure to have plenty of each on hand.
PUTTING UP SIGNS
Whether you live on a main road or in the middle of nowhere, it's important to put out directional signs for your sale. You never know how many "casual" shoppers you will attract who were simply driving by and saw your sign. Put posterboard signs at major intersections and along your road -- and always be sure to include an easy to read street address and ARROW pointing folks in the right direction. You may also want to put up FLIERS in local stores, laundromats, and churches. Always be sure to include your hours of operation and major items of interest.
SETTING UP YOUR CASH BOX
There is nothing more frustrating at a yard sale than running out of CHANGE in the first hour. So be sure to get enough to last you through the day -- that means at least $20 in coins, $50 in ones, and $40 in fives. Also create a list of MINIMUM prices you will accept for each item -- so that when a shopper asks your husband or friend who is helping out if they will take $10 for your lawnmower, they can handle the situation without having to find you.
SETTING UP YOUR SALE AREA
Planning a yard sale involves more than just laying out all of your merchandise on the lawn. The first goal is to make sure that nothing is blocking your TRAFFIC FLOW -- you don't want a sales area so clogged with people that no one can get around or see what you have on display. Secondly, be sure to display like items and complementary items TOGETHER. It will be easier for people to shop if they know all the household items are on this table and all the books are together in these boxes. Put any valuable items that you don't want to "wander off" in a closed case or right at the checkout table. Finally, make sure everything is clearly VISIBLE. Some shoppers like to dig, but most people "glance" their way through a yard sale -- scanning tables and floor displays for something that catches their eye.
ASKING FOR HELP
It can be very difficult (almost impossible) to run a yard sale completely on your own - so don't be afraid to ask for some assistance. Recruit several HELPERS -- friends or family -- and bribe them with pizza and sodas at the end of the sale. You should have at least 2 people signed on to stay the length of the sale -- or more if they can only help you throughout part of the day. And you may need additional help right at the start of the first day when things are busiest. EDUCATE your helpers about your pricing and willingness to negotiate so they can assist customers without having to ask for your input. And finally, make arrangements ahead of time for a CHARITY to pick up your leftovers at the end of your sale.
THE WEEK BEFORE THE SALE
This is the time to get ready. Put up FLIERS in public areas around town and place your newspaper AD. Gather your supplies, get change, and confirm times with your "helpers". You should be done pricing and organizing your merchandise by now -- but if not, finish any last-minute LABELING.
THE WEEK OF THE SALE
A day or two before the sale, put up DIRECTIONAL signs around your neighborhood. But don't do it too soon or you risk your signs being blown down or rained on. BLOCK OFF any areas you don't want shoppers to enter -- especially if you plan to hold your sale in your garage, basement, or interior of your home. And finally, get a good night's sleep -- you'll need it!
THE DAY OF THE SALE
You will want to start setting up 1-2 hours before your sale is scheduled to start. When the shoppers arrive, put one person in charge of cash box -- never let them leave it UNGUARDED. And most of all, have fun -- let your kids sell snacks and play some peppy music! Just think of what a load is being lifted -- and how much extra cash you'll have at the end!
Ramona Creel is the founder of OnlineOrganizing.com -- offering "a world of organizing solutions!"
Visit OnlineOrganizing.com for organizing products, free tips, a speakers bureau -- and even get a referral for a Professional Organizer near you. And if you are interested in becoming a Professional Organizer, we have all the tools you need to succeed. (Copyright 2003, Ramona Creel)
Get more power parenting tools at View this article online at http://www.parentingtoolbox.com/join.ht
Everyone has had trouble trying to interprete someone's intentions. Sometimes it's hard to know if someone is disrespecting you and being rude
or if that is just the way they communicate. Most relationships run into trouble when one person misunderstands the other. Use these simple tips to help you navigate the confusing waters of human communication.
> Get more tips on managing anger and relationships now at http://angertoolbox.com/angersmart.h
The purpose of good listening is to gain maximum understanding. Many people are tuned in only to the words of a speaker or to the body language or the tone of voice and do not listen to the whole message. In understanding a message, each of these is important.
In order to hear the entire message, keep in mind the following points:
1. Think about the specific words the speaker is saying.
2. Maintain an eye contact with the speaker. You cannot read body language without looking at the speaker. Eye contact tells him that you are listening.
3. Engage your mind to interpret his body language. You may intuitively understand it because much of what is sent nonverbally is subconsciously understood. If you feel your emotions are coloring your understanding, do an awareness check.
4. Watch facial expressions and how the speaker uses his hands and arms. These will give you the most information on his nonverbal communication.
5. Listen to his tone of voice. Is it consistent with his words?
6. Interpret the complete message when he has finished. Respond to what you think he is saying and then listen carefully to his response to you.
Feel free to pass this on to a friend online...
